Subject:
The infamous, derided and loathsome Silver Shamrock commercials from HALLOWEEN III.
Lifespan:
34 seconds for the promo; 1 minute, 52 seconds for the main event. Or in real terms, a lifetime of agony in Hell.
The body:
Holy smokes. HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH bases its premise on kids having to watch a commercial from Silver Shamrock, while wearing one of the company’s three masks. One commercial promoting the main event plays eight days out from Halloween. The other plays at 9 pm Pacific Time on All Hallow’s Eve.
Dissection:
It’s eight days till Halloween as I write this, which is the only reason I tortured myself listening to the two variants of the Silver Shamrock song. This tune is legendary for how annoying it is. With music that would fit perfectly on an insane carousel in Hades, and vocals that sound as if Alvin and the Chipmunk went on a three-day cocaine binge, this may be the single most grating song ever put on the soundtrack of a horror flick. And the song plays ad nauseam throughout the movie! I understand TV fires off a barrage of the same commercial over and over again, but the sadists in this film should be punished for playing it at all. I feel that having my head melt into a pile of snakes and spiders would be a kinder fate than this flick making me listen to the song ONE MORE TIME.
The first clip is straight from the movie. I applaud the Black dude in the gas station for not ripping off his own head once a kid’s disembodied head bobs along to the tune. But hey, maybe he’s stunned by the high tech special effects, including the three masked heads flipping upside down and then upright again. Or he could be entranced by the voiceover guy, who espouses about the masks, “They’re fun. They’re frightening. And they glow in the dark!” Any way you slice it, that gas station attendant is a stronger man than I.
The second clip is a montage of scenes, cut to the final version of the song. It begins with a snippet of a classic Carpenter score, recognizable to any fan of his catalogue. But Hell awaits, as that piece breaks into that damn song again. I love how the other cities across U.S. time zones all look like California, and don’t even get me started on why every kid in America is wearing one of three masks. Make sure to stay right through the end of the clip, as legendary sexy moustache horror actor Tom Atkins pleads with a television to “Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!!!!!” My sentiments exactly, Tom. Stop this commercial before it digs any deeper into my brain and tries to snatch my soul for the green vat of Satan in Carpenter’s PRINCE OF DARKNESS.
The Silver Shamrock song is a shitty tune. God help any of you who listens to it. Which you can below. Hey, why should I suffer alone?
I don’t like to curse when I write for DE, but if I have to hear this tune one more time, I am gonna blow my fucking brains out!
Postmortem:
Cause of death— It causes the deaths of millions of kids, if you believe the film. It also causes the death of millions of brain cells of anyone unfortunate enough to endure it. That I tell you from experience.
Interment instructions— Drown it out with an audio recording of nails on a chalkboard. Trust me. The chalkboard is a better option.
View the body
-Phil Fasso
