Ed. note- You probably missed this in the theater, and maybe you’re thinking you might RedBox or Netflix it soon… My advice: Watch with a friend—not because it’s scary, but because it’s laughable. -H.Elle


I saw THE FOREST when it was briefly still in theaters. The theater was empty, except for my companion and me. The movie is absolutely terrible, but you probably already knew that. I knew it would be, but I hoped for a fun kind of terrible, and it wasn’t, except for seeing it with a friend. We used the empty theater to our advantage and cracked jokes throughout. God, it is a tedious chore of a movie.


So… I’ll get this out of the way: SPOILER ALERT! She finds her sister. But not until the very end, so I’m not spoiling the bulk of the movie for you, and I might even be doing you the favor of telling you now, in case you feel inclined to give up before it’s over. I won’t tell you how she finds her sister, but if you watch enough, it’s predictable enough.


Now that you know the one thing you’ll actually care to know if you start to watch this, I’ll give you a brief synopsis.


Twins. One has blonde hair; one has brown. The brown-haired twin goes missing in Japan in the “Suicide Forest,” and the blonde one goes to Japan to find her sister; the blonde’s husband is kind of a dick, and he does not approve of her always trying to save her sister, but she goes anyway. Yes, she’s married, but that does not stop her from flirting with a cute guy in Japan who offers to help her find her sister. Hussy! Who cares? The “horror” and “suspense” of the movie aren’t going to keep you watching, so they’ve got to make you wonder: Will they, or won’t they? They don’t, but he’s into it. I mean, he’s already banged her sister, duh.


So, that “horror” label they slapped on this? Yeah, no. Not at all. Zero suspense. Cheap “paranormal activity” type of attempted scares, and then a “climax” that comes way too late, after you’ve probably already slit your own wrists or flown to Japan to find this “Suicide Forest” for yourself.


The one part of the movie that seemed to have some potential fell completely flat. My cousin (who watched this at home while facebooking) described that part as “just meh,” and since I’d already seen it, but he wasn’t done yet, I told him, “Wait, it gets meh-er.” The movie is under two hours long, but it feels like the longest movie ever made. At one point after this, my cousin said it had 19 minutes left; I told him it would feel like 119 and wished him, “Godspeed.”


Flashbacks are cool, right? Meh.


As if the movie didn’t suck enough, I noticed something that made it suck way more than it needed to: a complete lack of musical underscore. Scenes that may have felt suspenseful with a little dramatic music were just… wait for it… What is it that we’re waiting for? Besides the old lady in the hallway doing something creepy for no reason? Oh? That’s it? Oh, okay. Can someone please wake me up when they actually get into the forest?


Finally! The damned forest!


The movie is more than half over before they get into the forest, and that’s where ALL of the “action” happens! And there’s very little action. It’s just a little bit of mind-fuckery to make you think you’re about to get to the “good stuff,” but yeah, no. Still boring. The guy is a creep, but you figured that out already. She kills him near the end. Yada yada. Oh, hey! There’s her sister! But where’d SHE go? The End. Roll credits.

Man, this movie is horrible.

-Heather Elle

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