It’s Official! You Suck! January 2012 Ed.




Shao Kahn says, You Suck!



Shao Kahn said it best in this past April’s reboot of MORTAL KOMBAT when he spewed out, “It’s official!  You suck!”  I’ve re-appropriated his wise phrase for our monthly look at things that have generally pissed me off in the genre, because they suck.  This edition, I discuss how people still think it’s okay to rob George Romero blind, Netflix ruined Christmas, and all those annoyingly cliché lists out there.



  • Night of the Living Dead Defense- Hey, remember that time in NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD when Harry Cooper mounted the machine gun turret?  Remember when Ben upgraded his pump action Winchester for a bazooka?  Remember the hordes of legless zombies crawling at Barbra, as Tom and Judy fired off on the pitchfork-wielding zombies?  And hey, how about the time a company approached Kyra Schon and asked for the rights to use her image to promote its new piece of entertainment?  Or, most importantly, the time someone offered George Romero money to exploit the first picture he ever made, one of horror’s most famous movies?  Don’t remember any of that?  Neither do I, and it pisses me off.  Night of the Living Dead Defense is a full title steal of Romero’s landmark film, for which I can guarantee they didn’t offer him a penny.  The phrase “Public domain” makes me want to puke on all the people over the last 40+ years who have decided to profit off Romero’s film without returning a piece of the action to him.  That phrase allows some video game company to paste the film title to its 8-bit Nintendo looking game, which has no relation to the movie whatsoever if I go by the trailer (which shamefully includes scenes from the film!), and make money off Romero’s back.  If you’re going to use the man’s material, pay him.  If he says you can’t use his material, respect the man.  The ten people who invested in Image Ten would be millionaires many times over if only people did right by them and their product.  Any company who ignores this fact is contemptible scum.









Goldberg's SANTA'S SLAY. Not on Netflix on Christmas Day.



  • Netflix yanks SANTA’S SLAY before December 25th- Netflix Instant has scores of Christmas titles that are still available as of today.  The majority of them feature anthropomorphic animals, and there are probably a dozen Scrooge adaptations and a bunch of ABC Family channel trash.  Yet, for the second year in a row, the online streaming removed Bill Goldberg vehicle SANTA’S SLAY in mid-December. I understand that when I was a kid, RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER and FROSTY THE SNOWMAN would show a week or two before Christmas Day, but the delivery of media has changed radically of recent years.  Netflix signs contracts with companies to stream their movies.  Why the Hell would they sign one that removed a Christmas flick two weeks early?  I’ve had all sorts of problems with Netflix Instant lately, and their customer service department sucks (one rep told me to wait 24 hours for a streaming film to play on my Xbox, when it was supposed to be available days prior; when I called to gauge reaction by asking how to cancel my service, another rep didn’t try to talk me out of it).  It’s become evident to me that the company doesn’t care about its customers at all.  Fortunately, Fear Net doesn’t suck.  I’m not big on promoting other horror sites on DE, but I’ve got give credit where it’s due.  Fear Net is hosting SANTA’S SLAY as of this moment, and has been throughout the holiday season.  Kudos to them.  NOTE:  Not that SANTA’S SLAY is a good movie.  It’s a ridiculous flick in which Goldberg is an evil, murderous Santa who’s been forced to deliver presents for a thousand years, but now he’s Hell bent on murder.  It’s the principle here.  I should be able to watch bad holiday films on the holiday they represent.



Wayne is a slave to cliche



  • Year end lists- Snooze.  How boring can you get?  If I read your site daily, do I really not know which flicks you loved and hated?  Year end lists are a tried-and-true cliché tradition that should have ended a long time ago.  Sites feel compelled to put them up, as a recap for the last 365 days and a reminder that you should know what is awesome and what sucks, as any good herd animal should.  If I ever get to the point where I’m putting up “Top 10 Horror Kills/ Killers/ Films/ Weapons/ Masks/ Outfits/ Skin Blemishes,” I’ll end Death Ensemble on the spot and never write for a horror site again.  Fortunately, I’m a lot more creative than your usual rote lister.



The teacher in me has to sum up this lesson:  If someone makes a film based on the NOTLD game and gives a percentage to the Image Ten people, and Romero then makes a Christmas zombie flick that is still on Netflix on Christmas Day, and it doesn’t make any Top/Bottom 10 lists, then the world will be right.  Until that happens… It’s official!  You suck!


-Phil Fasso


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