So it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and you want to celebrate by doing a bar crawl and getting so drunk, you’ll be throwing up your soul the next morning. Or maybe you’re a teetotaler and want to shun the drunken hordes (riding on a subway system sloshing in vomit certainly isn’t your thing). Either way, you still want to have some fun, and even if you usually abstain, here’s a list that’ll drive you to drink. I suggest you get some friends together, break out the old Blu Ray player, and watch these 10 horrible holiday horror flicks. Make sure the liquor cabinet is overstocked, because you’ll be drying it out if you can hang all the way to the end of the tenth flick. If you’re still sober by the middle of the third flick, you either have awful taste in movies or an iron liver.
With no further ado, bottoms up!
Drink for this round: A six pack of Schlitz
This is a great start to the marathon, because the protagonist is just as drunk as you’ll be when it’s over. I theorize that Dr. Challis is an alcoholic because he knows he’s in this movie. This movie’s fans—yes, they exist somehow—will try to convince you that if it weren’t saddled as a HALLOWEEN sequel, you’d think it was a good film. Don’t worry, they’re already drunk. They’d have to be to try and justify any film that involves a plot to kill all the kids on Halloween by selling them the same three masks, marauding robots and a piece of Stonehenge transported to America. If you want more reason to drink, take a swig every time the Silver Shamrock theme plays. That’ll give you cirrhosis of the liver before you’re halfway through. But all the booze in the world will never wipe that song out of your head.
Drink for this round: Get that bottle of Prosecco ready. You’ll be downing it in three gulps.
Pinky Tuscadero vs. a serial killer who sounds like Donald Duck and wants to murder one person for each of the time zones. That kind of punctuality calls for dedication and precision, neither of which the director offers with this flick.
Drink for this round: Three shots of America’s own Jack Daniel’s. From Lynchburg, Tenn. No chaser. Make America Drunk Again!
PTSD and a kid who’s uncle is literally named Sam, and it takes place on Independence Day! Now if that Roland Emmerich junker were a horror flick, it would easily replace UNCLE SAM. But genres are genres, so our avuncular slasher gets the spot. William Lustig started off his career with MANIAC, and finished it with UNCLE SAM. Oh how the gory have bit the dust. Wave the flag for the fallen.
Drink for this round: A 22 oz. Sapporo (Russian cosmonauts will tell you about how it’s brewed from space seeds. You just want to drink. So you won’t care.)
Jason in space! A spaceship crew making the same dumb mistakes every teen in Crystal Lake ever made! The same movie as every other one! And what in God’s name is David Cronenberg doing here?!?! Was he drinking?
Drink for this round: Several Sam Adams Seasonals
Oh damn, all the good holidays are already taken! So the director passed on Canadian Flag Day for this one, went with a plot that plays like a mentally disabled version of JAWS, and hired Conan the Idiot to play the slasher. If you’ve ever wanted to watch a horror flick where the killer clotheslines a fat guy off an ATV, this is the one for you. For anyone who isn’t those three guys, drink up.
EASTER BUNNY, KILL! KILL!
Drink for this round: A 750 ml bottle of Godiva Chocolate Liqueur
A mentally disabled kid who loves the Easter Bunny, an abusive con man and his pedophiliac buddy, and Trent Haaga. Damn, this flicks isn’t even a Troma movie. If it were, maybe it would’ve been some fun. This flick is so bad, I refuse to review it. And I’ve reviewed MEMORIAL VALLEY MASSACRE. Easter Bunny! Kill! Kill those brain cells!
Drink for this round: Three shots of Wild Turkey
I know this flick is supposed to be bad, and it is. I suspect it’s supposed to be funny, and it’s not. The most underrepresented holiday in the horror genre gets this flick as its most popular. Oh, and its sequel, which I refuse to see. Poor Thanksgiving. Let’s pour one, two, three out for the turkey and move along.
JACK FROST (1997)
Drink for this round: Chilled Stoli. Over ice. In a refrigerated glass. Subzero Wins! Fatality!
If you’re wondering why you’re watching Michael Keaton transformed into a snowman who’s trying to reconnect with his human son, you grabbed the wrong JACK FROST. No worries. It’s just as big a garbage snowball as the one I chose for this marathon. If you’re wondering why you’re watching a snowman molest Shannon Elizabeth with a carrot in a shower, have you seen the rest of this list? Tilt that glass back!
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2
Drink for this round: A nice glass or nine of eggnog
“Buth Philph,” your drunken self says, “yourthee tripfel diping on Krampthumussss.” But you’re so wasted, you underestimated two things: that it’s nearly impossible for me to get drunk, and GARBAGE DAY! If you’re not one of this cult flick’s fans, you’ll need to wash this garbage out of your brain. If you are a fan, the booze can’t hurt you; the flick killed all your brain cells a long time ago. Drink up! Only one awful holiday movie left!
PROM NIGHT (2008)
Drink for this round: Spiked punch from the bowl
So you’ve made it this far. You are seeing three of everything, you’re slurring so much even you can’t understand a word you say, and you’re making romantic overtures to a potted plant. But you’re not dead yet. And you’re still conscious. Barely, but it counts. Just survive the next flick and you and your liver have made it. “Whufffliff?” you ask the plant. The potted plant whispers, “PROM NIGHT remake.” I’ll see you at your funeral.
A note from Death Ensemble legal: Death Ensemble is to be used for entertainment purposes only. You are solely responsible for your own liver, and so if the above list of pairings leaves you in the hospital, morgue or insane asylum (those are some awful flicks! Awful!), Death Ensemble assumes no legal responsibility for any resulting death or damage. Or brain damage. Did we mention those flicks are AWFUL????