Back in the late ’90s, when Billy Joel was on his “final tour” *coughloadofcrapcough*, X called me last second and asked if I wanted to join him. A friend had canceled out on the show, leaving X with a ticket and the urge to share his extreme love of Billy Joel with me. I’m not really a Billy Joel fan, but I said yes, figuring it would be a fun time.
It turned out to be an epic time, for one reason: I got to see an X Dance.
As Joel crooned to the packed crowd, X moved his lithe frame, bebopping to “It’s Just a Fantasy”and “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” among others. Arms pumping in synchronicity, legs kicking and waist rotating here and about, the X Dance was the most impressive dance technique I’d ever witnessed. Even more so, because it was something X had come up with on his own. Giving himself to the tunes, he went with it.
You have to understand, seeing this mythic gyration is rarer than spotting the Loch Ness Monster or Skunk Ape. I’ve spoken to hundreds of people who know X, and none of them have ever seen an X Dance. Hell, I only saw it once. The closest I ever came to a repeat performance was when X and his buddies sang “For the Longest Time” at his dreaded wedding. But X went on about a quarter throttle that time, and cheated me of a full X Dance.
Unfortunately, I got to see X do another sort of dance last weekend. At the Mad Monster Party, James “Lo Pan” Hong did the very first Hong Horror Show. He brought with him some concubines, whom I affectionately renamed the Hong-cubines, and on Saturday these lovely ladies were enticing people in front of a green screen to belly dance. Well, see for yourself:
I’m sorry if your eyes burned and your skull melted a la RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, but if so, you won’t be reading this anyway. You’ve seen for yourself, so I don’t need to describe the atrocity against dance floors everywhere. But I’ll share with you how I’ve described X’s belly dancing moves to others: It looks like he’s giving birth, and that birth giving is a particularly painful experience.
I’ve seen an X Dance, and now I’ve seen X belly dance. I gather if Rutger Hauer had been by Hong’s table and witnessed this, he’d have exclaimed,
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS???”
But for the full story on Hauer’s colorful reaction, you’ll have to read the Mad Monster Party convention report, which is coming soon…