So if you’ve read my previous posts, it’s obvious that I am a huge fan of VHS. I love them. Plain and simple. It’s a dangerous addiction that I try to subside and fight it as I might, it does come back and hits me when I least expect it. In fact, at one point, I had so many VHS in my collection, I actually was up to almost 500. While that’s not as much as others, it got way out of hand.
With almost 500 VHS, not each and every one of them are going to be watchable. In fact, some are so awful I can hardly watch unless I’m doing chores or have insomnia. No. Some movies I just purchased because they were there for sale and as a VHS collector, sometimes you just grab everything you see. Maybe I didn’t need a copy of The Surgeon, but my passion wouldn’t let me stop there. That said (with much credit to my dear friend Thomas Bryce of Shit Movie Fest for inspiration of this article.), I present to you my top 10 worst horror VHS tapes I’ve ever owned.
10. BURIED ALIVE 2
Ever see BURIED ALIVE? It’s a little known, made-for-TV movie by Frank Darabont about a gold digging bitch played by Jennifer Jason Leigh, who tries to kill her husband and strike it rich. But, the husband is actually alive, and comes back to get his revenge on her. Pretty good premise, right? Fantastic movie. Problem is, it has a sequel of the same exact story, with the roles reversed. It’s an awful movie that I wish I never had. Maybe it was best to leave well enough alone.
9. DEADTIME STORIES
Grimm’s Fairy Tales are re-interpreted as a very low budget 1980s anthology movie. I don’t really need to expand on that. Troma would be embarrassed to see this kinda movie.
And speaking of Troma… Troma’s 5-story anthology…I actually own this on DVD, but that’s nothing to brag about either. Anthology movies are usually a mixed bag. Not every story can please all audiences. This movie borders on the dull and uninteresting. Watching me do laundry would be more entertaining.
7. SHOCK CHAMBER
A shot on video anthology from the mid 1980s. Correction: A CANADIAN shot on video anthology from the mid 1980s. This steaming pile actually has no redemption whatsoever. The box cover was pretty cool, but thats where it ends.
I must confess, I never made it all the way through this. I just remember how disgustingly redneck, backwoods, crappy this movie was. Why this didn’t make number 1 is beyond me.
5. TIE: SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT 4 and 5
Silent Night Deadly Night is one of the greatest slashers of all time. Sadly, it spawned 4 sequels. None are worth watching. 4 and 5 are awful beyond words though. Starring Mickey Rooney and Clint Howard that have nothing to do with Santa or Christmas, these movies are a good reminder not to end up on Santa’s naughty list…or else he may punish you with a viewing of these horrible movies.
4. SHALLOW GRAVE
A backwoods piece of crap where a bunch of vacationing college girls make a stop in Georgia and witness a crazy sheriff kill his latest lay. It’s a pretty decent watch, but the dullness gets to be a little much. But, hey…BOOBS!!!
3. PROM NIGHT 4
Prom Night 1 was a pretty popular movie. Prom Night 2, was one of my all time favorites. Prom Night 3 was forgettable. Prom Night 4 was so hideous, I can’t begin to describe it. And I won’t. If I didn’t love Prom Night 2, i wouldn’t even know this existed…
hmm…I’m starting to reconsider my position on Prom Night 2…
Canadian slasher revolving around a crazed 12 year old boy killing his way to Alexandra Paul’s heart. That should tell you how bad, bad, bad this movie is. Problem is, I really enjoy the campiness and absurdity of this movie. But, I can’t deny its silliness. Plus, this kid wears the funniest high water shorts I’ve ever seen.
And now, the worst of the worst on VHS…..
So painful. So so so painful. I don’t know what I was thinking. This movie was featured on MST3K, so I knew what I was walking into. I went ahead and made the purchase anyway. I couldn’t make it past 20 minutes and realized that this movie was on MST3K for a very, very good reason. No good has ever come out of this movie and no good ever will.
So there it is. What do you think? Do these movies stack up with your top ten? Leave us comments and let us know what you think are the worst VHS movies you’ve ever owned.
–Chad E. Young